When It’s All Over But the Grieving

I lay on the carpet, armed only with a fistful of Q-tips and a bowl of water. The service was over. The relatives had flown home. The flowers were drooping or just plain dead. Casseroles still packed the freezer, and cards were still arriving in the mail.

Our daughter was dead. Zombie-me had stumbled through two weeks of hell, beginning with the phone call every parent dreads. The emergency room, the chapel, the visitors, and the shattering vision we’ll never unsee. Twenty-four years later, Kevin still can’t stand the scent of lilies. We still notice the empty seat at the table. Our lives changed forever. There was no upside.

It was just bad.

Finally, I was alone. Jesse had gone back to school, Kevin had trudged back to work, and the deep, dark gloom of February enshrouded my soul.

I was absolutely lost.

There was plenty to do. I just couldn’t do it.

What To Do When All Is Lost

January 23, 2000, the day Catherine died, was the day our family changed forever. Today, November 6, 2024, is probably the beginning of the end for our democracy. This morning brought the grim news of Trump’s victory.

Today reminds me of that day long ago, two weeks after we lost her, when I simply couldn’t think straight, or breathe deeply, or function. Looking around, I saw a dozen household chores staring me in the face. Normally, I’d be all over them.

But not that day. I just couldn’t.

Then, I saw the one thing I could do. The cold-air-return-vent-grille-cover in the living room had dust on every single one of its couple hundred slots. For years I’d occasionally considered cleaning them. Right after hell froze over.

Little had I known hell would come to my house. So I got down on the carpet, on my side, face to the wall. Carefully moistening each Q-tip, and with mechanical precision, I swabbed each and every little slot.

And I kept breathing.

And I got through the day.

Dear Readers,

Today is one of those days. Rather than mouthing platitudes, urging you to look on the bright side, or staging a revolt, I encourage you to get through the day. No advice. Just support. You are not alone. Let us give ourselves a lot of grace. And get through the day.